Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It's a Jungle

I am into my second year in a new city. I am slowly making good friends, which are hard to come by really. I feel I need a good social circle as a step on the way to having a relationship again. Since my last 2 year relationship ended in January of 2005, I have been a complete mess.

I know why I don't jump right in to another relationship, doing that led to how I feel now: miserable, detached, guts torn out etc. I don't feel that way every second, though the recurrence of such feelings seems to go away very slowly after a relationship.

Didn't I try to fire off a few quick and easy bangs the way she did to get over things? In my way, I did. It takes me more time to get the big easy. It took me about a year and a half to get to where the ex was in 3 weeks. What can I say?

Now I am in a long drawn our depressed funk...like the drought in the Western U.S. Not every day is awful, people survive...though there are big long term questions. Will this ever end? Will we survive? And rolling right out of my analogy...will I love again?

I am not getting hotter really...the struggle to look sexy is getting slightly more challenging actually. I exercise, walk around, ride my mountain bike and try to stay fit, though in my heart there's a Joy Division concert blaring loudly. If you don't know what that means, it's a reference to a post-punk band known for deep melancholly whose lead singer met a sad self-inflicted end. Not exactly uplifting...sometimes comforting in misery. My bio-feed-back graph looks something like this about now:

I am comforted that I can complain about life on my blog and not have it read by very many people, hahah.

I like to make music so I am working on preserving all I have created into a collection. I am not trying to modernize or update the sound of some of these songs, just keep them for what they were. If I don't go to the trouble to record and mix them properly they will not be accessible even to me. I used a lot of old dying 80's computer gear to make some of my electronic sound and I never recorded the songs properly even once. I just made some tape demos. I will be singing them a-new and maybe taking some mixing liberties. I also will have the full freedom and flexibility to remix them and update them if I choose.

I keep myself busy, try not to think of the ex too much...(so pathetic as I am sure she has done too many drugs and dudes to even remember much about me). I continue to guard my heart. It loves deeply and fully and if it doesn't work out, It's a slow and painful extraction process. For all my loneliness I am not eager to jump right into this kind of result again.

My sister always says you should give yourself a good solid 15 minutes of misery, self-pity and woe then let it go, stand up and go live victoriously. So here I go...If I can just get out of the chair...



Sara Sue said...

For every minute your heart aches, you'll be blessed with twice as much joy one day. I hope your music project will help you to mend. It sounds like a great way to heal your heart. Know that you aren't alone in your heartbreak and there ARE people reading your thoughts and we can be your *family* until you find a new love.

Sumwun said...

Thanks for your moral and immoral support.

Christy said...

This post is interesting to me. I have my own theories, observations, and experiences. At any rate, I'm sorry you are still experiencing so much pain. You must have really loved your ex-girlfriend.

It's time to watch High Fidelity again, no?

Sumwun said...

I always enjoy entertaining your theories and observations bunny-angel.

Sister Mary Lisa said...


Hang in there. I have no doubt that when you're ready, true love will be found.