Saturday, August 25, 2007

My Glorious Resilience

As I go from day to day and meet the challenges of modern human life I have to stop sometimes to appreciate how truly adaptable I am. I have been enjoying "Year Zero" the latest NIN album and while I measure best in cm, I have to say I have survivalism too!

I must give myself credit. I never knew what self control really was. I generally spent most of my life apart from a few subtle aberrations under a strong titanium clamp of self control. Surely it is self control that keeps me from driving into the gully when I am on a highway or from committing crime or even misdemeanors. Self control helps me make healthy food choices much though not all the time.

I realized a whole new arena of self control where I need a lot of work. As I finally get into investing some extra money in stocks and bonds and other markets, I see I have been a powerfully active and avid investor for years. I emotionally invest to the nth degree.

Those familiar with therapy will tell me that I am "co-dependent" sometimes. I depend too much on outward approval for inner self esteem. Emotionally investing in what others feel is not bad for those who have to make an effort to do it, though for me I need to practice this new aspect of self control. I need to not feel awful so much. When the hot bar tender chick smiles at me and asks me how my day was or the flat out gorgeous woman who cuts my hair makes light conversation I tend to over invest in feelings like "oh a beautiful woman is talking to me". Though I know the reality is that this is business like cordial behavior related to the transaction we are making, my emotions up and run away with the idea that lovely women are responding in an apparently positive manner to me.

Though I am outwardly cordial, give a good tip and say a friendly "have a good weekend" to these service providers, inwardly I feel devastated and very powerfully sad and bitter. Mainly because I allowed my emotions to fool me. I allowed my heart to hope such things when I should have practiced self control.

When self esteem is a constant project for me like so much piled up laundry and ironing, it can feel strange to actually need to try to exercize self control about feeling a need for human intimacy. It's not that these people are tortured talking to me, it might be much less pleasant for them to talk to someone not as positive and friendly as I am, it's just that for me, in my internal life...when I am driving away...I need to have practiced some investment discretion...some emotional self control over how much self worth I am pouring into the outcome of these encounters. They aren't a good source for that.

The same goes for workplace success. It can be good and sweet, though it is not even a major portion of my core self worth.
Managing emotional investment can be like trying to keep an inflating balloon mashed into its original size while taking on more and more pressure. So I have to control the "valve". I need mental self control over the need for human intimacy and acceptance, while still acknowledging this as a legitimate part of a full life. It is tough to be me! It takes real effort.

Desire can be like a shuttle launch in my mind. It's hard to hide the effects of the unfulfilled "want" from the public. Though I have to be a soldier, be a man, and "need" able to be ok with no validation, no love and no intimate relationships. Am I right? Then the true air of love will be like a calm cool breeze I will notice better with out the hurricane of disillusionment that normally roars.

It sucks to know beauty, to see the spring and pretend I have no thirst.

All I really need is inner peace.

(though you should see these women, they are so'd at least have to praise my good eye for hotness)

Still, I must respect myself and my nature and needs as valid and real. I just don't want them to rule my happiness, I want the self control over my emotional inflation. Hence the title, "My Glorious Resilience" rather then my old negative thought habits like "How middle-aged-ugly-sons-of-bitches-with-no-game cope with sexual frustration"....I still see the humor in that title though. Beware of the "hyphen"!!!

If only I had enough self control not to blog so honestly about the struggle.

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