Sunday, January 21, 2007

So here's the rub

I admit it. Sometimes I go to church with my folks when I am visiting over the holidays. It always confirms for me that I don't agree in a very real and basic way with many things preached and put over by the LDS faith. I don't mind spending time with my folks and it's usually for a christmas service in an "outside of Utah" congregation so they are groovy and end it after an hour.

Sometimes they speak about the family of Abraham and being adopted into it etc. It seems that mormon "patriarchal blessings" which assign the recipient to the heritage of one of the tribes of Israel, have created some discomforts with racial issues over who is IN the covenant family of Abraham and who is not. They had to give a long drawn out speech about how "it doesn't really matter, we are adopted if we behave, pay no mind to the assignment in the blessings" etc. How about saying..."this is all about as real and important as Dungeons and Dragons rankings are to real life". That would really clear it up.

Occam's razor would cut right through the cognitive dissonance and quickly declare that the simple solution is "This is all bullshit".

Another axiom to which I object is the idea that the world is doomed the end is near and there is no hope of escape. I don't believe the days of mankind must needs be numbered. We know from our best research that our sun will probably turn into a red giant someday, charring the earth to cinders as it grows to engulf it. So, yah, we should find some other ways of living or places to live in this vast universe beyond the solar system, or at least beyond the reach of the eventual Solar "prostate" swelling, long before that happens. That will not happen for a few billion years.

We are far more likely to destroy ourselves before the Sun has a chance. The sad irony is that religious believers may be the source of the destruction, the ones who bring it about. Just as it is suspected that christians may have set the Great Rome fire of July 19, A.D. 64 to "bring about" the fulfillment of prophecies about Rome's destruction.

I am waxing tangential here, but I think sometimes things are written down and become more important than they really were, simply because the writing survived long enough. Something like "Rome shall burn" may just have been a taunt at a sporting event. "Rome is going down...God damnit!" yelled by a Venice fan during a Gladiator match. Suddenly it is prophetic because someone set fire to the city to make it so!?

This prophecy stuff is weird. When it's gloomy, it amounts to premeditated murder. "The king of suchandsuchland shall die on the third day of they 7th week of the 9th moon of the year 86" or something...sounds like "plans" not prophecy. Maybe we should arrest these people who suggest 1/3 of the waters will be poisoned. What exactly did John the Revelator have in mind? John the damn terror plot planner.

To make it through the 90 minutes of concession I choose to make to family harmony each year, I like to change words of Hymns mostly in my head. I like changing words to ad humor to life in many cases. Like the wintery (usually holiday) song "Walking in a Winter Wonderland":

Later on
We'll conspire
as we dream
by the fire
to face unafraid
the [baby] we made
walking in a winter wonderland!

This makes the song far more honest about its message.

So in church, take "Jesus Said Love Everyone" or any other hymn...and replace "love" with "rub" to fully entertaining effect.
(yes I am a mental juvenile ok?) Though I thought to do this many years ago while sitting in a sunday service in a "singles" congregation watching two hot women in their 20's dressed for church give eachother intense back rubs during the long droning speeches. That's when I knew men of faith were not fulfilling all the purposes of their creation leaving these babes just with eachother and the only apparently socially acceptable physical contact in church-circles: girl on girl massage.

Jesus said [rub] everyone
treat them kindly too
when your heart is filled with [rubs]
others will [rub] you


As I have [rubbed] you
[rub] one another
this new commandment
[rub] one another
etc. (because I don't know how to spell shalmehn-gno because I am not a rabbi)

It also works with the Beatles:

She [rubs] you ya ya ya
She [rubs] you ya ya ya
With a [rub] like that
You know you should be glad....ooooooh!

Ok I will spare you all any more levity. Just know that laughter is great medicine and the louder the better.


Anonymous said...

I will be attending church with my family next week and now fully intend on using the "rub" to get through... Thanks for the tip!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I'm laughing loud, all right. Way loud. You are hilarious. My family thinks I'm insane as I sit here laughing so hard.

Anonymous said...

SumWun~ This is fantastic. Why didn't I ever think of this while droning out the most boring songs ever written.

(B.T.W. - it sounds like shalmennow but is is actually shall men know)

As I have rubbed you
Rub one another
This new commandement
Rub one another
By this shall men know
Ye are my disciples
As ye have rubbed
Rub one another..


P.S. It is scary that after 15 years of being inactive that I remember that song word for word.

SumWun said...

I know the lyric, I was just making a joke. I hope someone will believe me! I did enjoy your full performance though! You are a high quality lubed and ribbed rubber.

Just one of many said...

SUMWUN, I need you at my next party!! Your comment about him being a "high quality lubbed rubber" made me spew Patron all over my keyboard!! Sooooo worth it!! Church can be the shits, but also of infinite comedy!! Thanks for the levity!!

Sumwun said...

Oooh sorry about the keyboard...though sometimes I spew everclear all over clean it...thanks for the reads JooM.