Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Old T-Bone

A repressed upbringing can lead to some amazing innovations. In Utah, at BYU sometimes girls will direct vodka into their bodies in a manner that could never be called "Drinking". I have named it "Cooch Bonging". You can use your imagination, but it apparently gets these college girls intoxicated while allowing the easy and honest rationalization "I did not drink anything".

This reminds me of a Jewish neighbor who asks you to push the elevator button on the sabbath...because initiating the use a device on the sabbath is entirely wrong while benefitting from another's use of a device is just far enough into the grey area to rationalize.

Though religious people often look down upon rationalization they are often the keepers of the flame and the main innovators in this sphere.

When I was much younger, I felt so much guilt about sex. Like many religious people, I simply wanted both approval and acceptance of my society AND the fulfillment of all my desires. Thus we innovate. Some of the things religious people do to rationalize their way out of their own beliefs are really creative and fun.

Remember making out? It used to be so wonderful when it was all you had. It seems that once we have gone all the way, we gloss over the journey far too readily. Making out can be a fun destination or at least a very scenic route on the map-o-love.

Now to "boning the T". This is just one of the things I used to do to avoid the cognitive definition of having sex with my first real girlfriend, you know, so I could honestly tell my church leaders "I have never" this or that and not "technically" be lying.

I wish to address this topic in an entirely crude way. I mean as to the level of detail. Like a caveman would construct a "crude hammer"...not a "nasty hammer". Ah...the "nasty hammer", that's a blog topic for another day....ANYWAY...I will now begin speaking in crudely formed symbolism.

Imagine a view of girlfriend-heaven from just south of heaven, round about the kneecaps, looking north. This is a 22 year old I am speaking of, just so you know. I was a late bloomer ok? I was 24! Wait I think that's too much info....so yes, again...the view looking up into heaven...symbolized by looking along a street in Brugge Belgium.



Ok, this is a rather wide gate, though it is symbolically about right...thighs on the left and right...the shingled roofing (symbolizes a girl-garden) and the statue of St. Taurus (not his real name) in the middle.

Now here is the T...


This T would be imprinted say on a bed...or in this case a street and symbolizes the space at the top of the lady-thighs where they open ever so gently left and right only to stop at the wall at the top. With me? So if you are a good old-fashioned gentleman wanting to let's say "drive your bus" into the gate, you might do so in this manner and direction:



It's a big gate here, so we needed to compensate by using a rather large bus. Let's call it "the express to coitusville".

Now pretend you were raised in an inhumanly uptight religion, and all your natural desires made you an enemy to God and destined for hellfire. Now suppose that you were still attending regularly and driving your bus through the gate was the worst possible choice you could make because it would ruin your life and get you kicked out of your social circles, church and maybe even your school. Now you would need to innovate.

Some "comers" to the game, like Pete opted for driving up...this is pretty good because it is fun, and it gives some tire track action to St. Taurus, (which is important) and unloads the passengers up on the roof instead of down in Cervical Cafe where they might do something evil like order a latte or inseminate something. Here is an example of Pete's method, 3d bus action thanks to Google Sketch-up...



Another perfectly viable option would be to drive your bus down from the top, sure you have to make a pretty firm bend-back to get it to go that way, though it is equally as rewarding and fun and leaves the passengers on the bed-rock. Allow me to depict this technique using my huge and heavy bus:



As you can see, the Front or "Tip" of the bus is hanging just above the street, showing us the underside of the "vehicle". The motion of the bus is pointing directly into the T as can be seen in the final frame below:



There you have it friends, Boning the T.

I recommend everyone spice up their bus trips from the regularly scheduled route and explore some of the incredible innovations brought about by a collision of healthy natural desires and whacky religiously repressed thinking. I think you'll find that recalling the days where you were using your limits directs you to some new found fun.

Some people do these funny things out of ignorance, like Louis XVI, until they figure it out or it is explained to them. Others know what they are doing so as not to do what they think they shouldn't.

To "fill you in" on the story, boning the T only lasted a few weeks until, with a sweet charming "wanna put it..." I did. I have been enjoying the excellent cervix at the coitus cafe ever since.

=sw

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

That was an informative and very descriptive essay. Brings back a lot of memories too. Actually, for some reason with the guy who is now my husband of 15 years, I complete forbid humping, mostly because I knew it could only a few weeks at best. Then he'd know I was a slut - couldn't have that. We had a good four months of intensive makeout sessions, then a bunch of months apart (opposite sides of the country) before we go married, because of school issues. Anyway, I miss those all night make out sessions sometimes - once the fruit's not forbidden, it impossible to play with it for hours without taking a bite.

I need to write a blog entry about the weird makeout orgies we used to have in our BYU apartment. It was truly weird.

Pete Dunn said...

Well done, thou good and faithful bus driver.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

OK, Sum Wun. You are truly hilarious. I had to laugh hard at the Brussels pic. Who on earth looks at that boring picture, and sees a woman's body??? Love it. St. Taurus, huh? Classic.

Incidentally, I'm a taurus, and T-Bone steak is my favorite all-time food. I wonder if that's why I love this post...

What a great first read on your blog. Can't wait to check out more of what you've written.

Anonymous said...

I agree with SML, this is hilarious. And a little hot. Is it wrong that this post turns me on a little? ;-)

Anonymous said...

Blogger ate my post! grrr

Anyway, what I said is that I agree with SML, this post is hilarious! And a little hot. Is it wrong that this post turns me on a little? ;-)

Anonymous said...

Blogger officially sucks for making me look stupid. Anyway, hi sumwun. Any friend of Pete Dunn's is... well, a friend of Pete Dunn's.

SumWun said...

Yah, you're repeated relentless posting is kinda getting me all hotted up too.

SumWun said...

The Bunny outfit doesn't hurt either.

SumWun said...

Hey SML, I don't know what this says about me, but I see the female anatomy everywhere. I think one just sees what one wants to see. I love women...like other people love soccer...I am a babe-hooligan.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Must be why you and Pete get along so well, huh?

SumWun said...

Ah double digit comments...I almost don't need to join the orgasm for peace day today www.globalorgasm.org

Yah SML, Pete and I are similar....he's horny and married while I am the same and single. I mean what is a man's imagination to do with the 3 AM story MY GOD that's glorious.

Anonymous said...

sumwun, not trying to burst your bubble or anything, but I think the double digit response has something to do with my repeated relentless posting.

SumWun said...

Yah, you rock...you can burst my whatever anytime.

Anonymous said...

The most informative, pedagogical and funny post about sex I have ever come across in a blog!

Thanks SML for linking me here, thanks Sum Wun for sharing! Give us more!

Anonymous said...

Tears are rolling down my face from the laughter. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I haven't ever experienced T-boning. Now I feel a bit left out.
I have a feeling it is MUCH better for the guy though.
Found you through Sis Mary Lisa.

Anonymous said...

Rachel, don't knock it 'til you try it. Seriously. If he's good at it, you both win. Let St. Taurus guide you.

Anonymous said...

SML showed me the way here and now I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. T-Bone... huh, huh.

Equality said...

SW,

I'm just wondering if you ever drove the bus through a narrow pass in the mountains, stopping at the narrow "neck" of land and dropping of a bit of jewelry, yea, even a necklace made of pearls?

Anonymous said...

LOL, Equality. You're funny too. Good one.

SumWun said...

Wow this thread makes me tip my laptop over everytime I read it! I appreciate all the comments!

I can't believe "equality" can write about perl necklaces using scriptural tone. I thought one had to be a charismatic 14 year old with little education to be able to do that so well!? It boggles the mind.

When I get a girlfriend again someday I will give her lots of jewelry. ;)

belaja said...

All praise to Sister Mary Lisa for leading me here. SW, I am linking you on my blog whether you. like. it. or. not.

Great post! Oh that my BYU NCMO partners had been so imaginative. I feel so cheated.

Sumwun said...

I. Like. it. A. Lot. Add. Me. Add. Me. Now. Gently. Yet. Firmly.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Laughing out loud at your humor again, SW. You make me laugh.